Anxiety and guilt

Guilt and Anxiety

I’m feeling very anxious today, it could be that I’m coming out of the haze from the last two to three weeks and I have a zillion things to catch up on.  Our entire house has been suffering from a cold/flu-like virus that took a toll on all of us.

It started with Bree who luckily recovered fairly quickly given her lower immune system. Then my husband had a sinus infection Tyler’s virus ended up being croup and viral hives.  Joey was in the ER with a high temp and double ear infection.

After about two weeks of sleepless nights the cold hit me and this one really kicked my butt. It lasted two weeks and I’m just starting to feel human again so, today I opened up my planner and got caught up on all the appointments I needed to call and reschedule.

With everyone being sick I have had to cancel a lot of Joey’s and Tyler’s home ABA sessions.  I feel so guilty canceling because I know these therapists depend on the hours and the change of schedule upsets the boy’s regular routines. It’s not like school if any one of us in the house is sick I cancel as to not spread germs.  I have also asked the therapists to cancel if they aren’t feeling well due to Bree’s autoimmune issues.  This results in a lot of missed therapy hours.

Anyway, today knock on wood everyone is feeling better and Bree’s teacher asked me last minute to fill in as a chaperon for the school field trip tomorrow. I’m happy to help and Bree is beyond excited to have me join her which helps with my anxiety over missing Joey’s home sessions.

Luckily, my sister is going to help and stay home with Joey during his home session. It just so, happens that tomorrow is also an early intervention transition meeting for Joey. Basically, it’s a meeting at home to discuss the fact that in August he will be turning three and moving from early intervention to the public schools (wow, how did that happen so fast L)  The meeting as I recall is more about paperwork than the actual transition process.  Joey will receive intensive screenings in all areas given by the school district starting next week then we will have a team meeting to discuss the tests and his placement for September.  The team meeting is the important one and I would never miss that meeting.

My sister helps out a lot covering Joey’s sessions when the other kids might need me to do something. for example doctor appointments school concerts, etc. She is more than capable of representing me in the meeting.

So, I’m not sure why I’m so anxious over missing it. I might not even miss the entire meeting. I should be home for the last 15-20 minutes which is more than enough time for me to catch up and ask any questions I might have.  I decided that going on the field trip was just more important since it means so much to Bree. Over the last year we have tried to make an effort to give Bree more one on one time without her brothers and this is a great opportunity to do that. I also want to enjoy spending time with her before she decides it’s no longer cool to have mom around.

I think the stress and anxiety is coming from the fact that I’m basically choosing one kid over the other. I decided Joey won’t really even notice I’m not at the meeting but Bree will notice if I decided to stay home with Joey and not attend her field trip.

I’m also for some reason concerned how the therapist will look at me for having my sister fill in. I love all the therapists my sons are working with I just want them to understand why I made my decision. I want them to understand how I’m trying to juggle the needs of each kid. I’m not sure why I feel this way I’m pretty sure they won’t give another thought about it after tomorrow.

I think I have a fear they are annoyed and feel I’m not putting Joey first since I have to keep canceling. I don’t want them to think I’m putting the other kids ahead of Joey’s needs only that I’m just trying to keep a balance. I like to think these are irrational concerns and that the therapists at this point know me well enough to realize what’s going on and how the constant illness and schedule changes have been hard on all of us.

I just really wish everyone to be healthy and to keep a consistent schedule I want this more than anyone because when things get off routine I’m the one who has to deal with it. Trust me if I had them show up on the sick days they would want to run far away from our house!

I’m also anxious for the entire transition process for Joey I have heard rumors the Pre-K program is changing and placement is becoming more difficult. I know Joey will receive a placement based on his diagnosis I’m just worried he won’t be getting everything he needs and the thought of fighting to get it makes me very anxious.  Lol, I’m sure I’ll write another post (or many) on all this in the coming weeks!

I’m grateful my sister can fill in so, I won’t have the guilt of Joey missing any more therapy and I will be able to spend the day with Bree.  I just wish I could make this minor decision without having so much guilt and anxiety.

Thanks for the vent.  I hope everyone is staying healthy 🙂